Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
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[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
The news is so predictable nowadays
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio