@Donna_McCoy

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

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@AimeeHelene1

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

@GoodZiIIa

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

@brynnester

Me: *taps him on shoulder* But what if I don’t like bread? Or fish?
Jesus: *pinches bridge of nose*

@NotEthanSmith_

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

@murrman5

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

@outsmartedmommy

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

@soyourelikethat

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

@JasonLastname

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

@GrantTanaka

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what