Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
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“No way.” -Jose
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Me: *taps him on shoulder* But what if I don’t like bread? Or fish?
Jesus: *pinches bridge of nose*
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what