Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
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David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Weighing up my bread heating options
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact