Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
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A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I identify as an antique shop.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Nice try, NASA
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
boat question
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.