Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
You Might Also Like
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
i did the math
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Succinctly put.
incredible book dedication
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?