Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
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*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Being funny is connecting two unrelated things and making a joke, said my parents
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me: i also got demoted
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Brain: not like last time
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!