@ziamalso

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

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@david8hughes

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

@AimeeHelene1

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

@yogaknifefight

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

@SuperRandomish

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

@JediGigi

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

@LeahTiscione

Being funny is connecting two unrelated things and making a joke, said my parents

@clichedout

me: i won employee of the month

her: ur self-employed

me:

her:

me: i also got demoted

@Ygrene

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

@MichaelTrying

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!