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Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Catering service
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it