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@mrjohndarby

In the middle of an important meeting I quietly pass my boss a post-it note. It just says ‘girl cats have wherskers’. He nods

@roxiqt

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

@MableGertrude

It’s funny how you become mom’s new favorite when your sibling is in jail.

@Darlainky

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

@Brampersandon_

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

@ericsshadow

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

@Marlebean

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.