Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
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The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.