Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
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If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]