Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
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Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.