moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
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back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it