Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
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“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket