ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
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ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”