@dumbbeezie

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

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@Cpin42

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

@ThisOneSayz

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

@ShutUpThatsWho

[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…

@AnnietheNanny1

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

@Contwixt

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

@noog

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?