Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

You Might Also Like


Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool


I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”


[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…


Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”


Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.


Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?