Science is to Scientology as meth is to Methodist.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
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Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows