Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
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If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
This is what makes twitter great
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Every damn time
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.