@undeadmolly

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

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@ThePocketJustin

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

@Lisabug74

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

@Smooheed

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

@JONOCOYOTE

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

@freedom2726

* draws blood

Blood: No, no, no. That doesn’t look like me at all.

@johnbiehl

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home