Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

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Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.


In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.


Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards


Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.


* draws blood

Blood: No, no, no. That doesn’t look like me at all.


(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home