@jasonmustian

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

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@marinhubka

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

@offbeatoliv

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

@honeybadgerMel

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

@carlyken

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

@JennyPentland

Maybe stop asking 20yo beauty queens how to solve problems the government hasn’t even been able to figure out in 200 years?

@Swishergirl24

Meeting people from the Internet is a great way to either get murdered or have sex. Either way it sounds great.

@juneohara65

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

@ArfMeasures

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

@SamGrittner

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel