@jasonmustian: "Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo"--Where's Waldo Audiobook
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@tweetsbyrocket: zoo keeper: your husband was mauled to death trying to enter the wolf enclosure wife: [sobbing] you sure it's him? zoo keeper: he was shouting "free the moon puppies" wife: yea it's him
@AbbieEvansXO: Him: so you like bad boys? Me: of course not Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa- Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
@garrydavenport: Unexplainable things: 1) Stonehenge 2) ESP 3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
@FriedWords: Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!