“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
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Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Maybe stop asking 20yo beauty queens how to solve problems the government hasn’t even been able to figure out in 200 years?
Meeting people from the Internet is a great way to either get murdered or have sex. Either way it sounds great.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
GRANDMA WHERE IS YOUR COOKIE RECIPE
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel