“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
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Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys