If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
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Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.