Amish friend sets up a divider across the tent.
Me: what are you doing?
AF: You’re not amish. I am supposed to shun you. We may not sleep under the same roof.
Me: you’re going to hell, you know. The road to hell is paved with good in-tent shuns
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
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If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
“Wanna fool around while the baby is asleep?” I ask to the woman next to me on the plane who I’ve never met before and whose baby is asleep.
Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?
Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo