Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
You Might Also Like
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils