Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

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satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.


Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.


After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.


Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*


I might be OCD, but I’m not falling for that check engine bullshit. It’s there.


Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.


Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.


GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.