Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
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Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I hope it’s French Onion!
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.