That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
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I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
The Others (2001)
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Don’t make me out nice you.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song