Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

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Him: How did you get in my house?


my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast


Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly


Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…


When I was a kid I liked my Jack in the Box…But now I prefer my Jack in the Bottle.


Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40


Whenever someone starts checking their phone when I’m talking to them I like to regain their attention by combing their hair


The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to


[taking girlfriend out]

her dad: have her back at a reasonable time

me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time

her dad: propose


“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry


You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask