Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
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my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
When I was a kid I liked my Jack in the Box…But now I prefer my Jack in the Bottle.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Whenever someone starts checking their phone when I’m talking to them I like to regain their attention by combing their hair
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask