Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
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[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
An odd boast
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Lucky old June.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
when you don’t want to be too vague
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.