HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
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[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
When my wife said let’s do something fun for our anniversary I had no idea she meant together. I’m a man not a mind reader. I forgive you.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that