@slyoung5

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

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@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

@ObscureGent

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

@mommajessiec

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

@dlockw21

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

@Shanomenonandon

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

@sageboggs

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

@chuuew

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

@QuinOShea

When my wife said let’s do something fun for our anniversary I had no idea she meant together. I’m a man not a mind reader. I forgive you.

@iamspacegirl

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

@Rica_Bee

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that