Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
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Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
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I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Nomnomnomnom
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.