@Wine_Honey1

Note to self: Don’t get so drunk and try to ride the zoo animals, no matter how friendly they are.

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@kumailn

If Watergate happened today it would be called Watergategate.

@Donna_McCoy

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

@rablivingstone

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

@JoParkerBear

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

@DannyZuker

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

@FloridaMan__

FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA

@sixthformpoet

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

@davidkenny100

Pal: wanna impress your wife? Girls love a guy that shaves downstairs

Later

Wife: David! Why is there hair all over the coffee table!?

@heat_packingDr

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

@Freudianscript

When speaking to your wife, always end with, “but i could be wrong,” this way when she says you’re wrong, you’ll be right for a change.