@ccconnecticunt
@Grommit56
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
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@Grommit56
@liv_thatsme
You know you’re old when you see the neighbor’s dog chasing some punk teenagers & you root for the dog.
@Brianhopecomedy
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
@ericsshadow
Beer makes me feel invincible.
Vodka makes me feel innvienceablrerrer.
*falls down*
@HuffPostComedy
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need
@ohen39
Cop: Sir, don’t lock your kid in there, it’s very hot.
Me [closing car door]: It’s okay *leans in* it’s not my kid.
@theNuzzy
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
@nerdreign
When someone rings my doorbell, I’m every bit as upset as my dogs.
@paulrobalino
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
@SpicyGinger69
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.