Note to self: Don’t wear a skirt when getting a pedicure. Also, wear underwear.

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I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.


You know you’re old when you see the neighbor’s dog chasing some punk teenagers & you root for the dog.


My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.


Beer makes me feel invincible.

Vodka makes me feel innvienceablrerrer.

*falls down*


Cop: Sir, don’t lock your kid in there, it’s very hot.
Me [closing car door]: It’s okay *leans in* it’s not my kid.


Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.


When someone rings my doorbell, I’m every bit as upset as my dogs.


She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.