@ccconnecticunt

Note to self: Don’t wear a skirt when getting a pedicure. Also, wear underwear.

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@Grommit56

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

@liv_thatsme

You know you’re old when you see the neighbor’s dog chasing some punk teenagers & you root for the dog.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

@ericsshadow

Beer makes me feel invincible.

Vodka makes me feel innvienceablrerrer.

*falls down*

@ohen39

Cop: Sir, don’t lock your kid in there, it’s very hot.
Me [closing car door]: It’s okay *leans in* it’s not my kid.

@theNuzzy

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

@nerdreign

When someone rings my doorbell, I’m every bit as upset as my dogs.

@SpicyGinger69

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.