Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
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I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
SPLOOT
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
“What?”
– Jude
early stone age tool
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.