Note to self: I am a note
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AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.