@jordan_stratton

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

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@cydbeer

I’ve noticed a decline in cashier’s asking “Find everything you need?”

@IndecisiveJones

moses: 9 commandments, goddamn that’s a lot of rules

god: OH NO YOU DIDN’T

@Dutch_50

So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.

@ZanyJaney11

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

@simoncholland

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

@smoney12

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

@MNateShyamalan

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

@aparnapkin

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.