@Joshuawbenson
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
@jordan_stratton
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
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@Joshuawbenson
@PerfectPending
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
@jergarl
The Wizard of Oz is my favorite children’s book that teaches us that it’s ok to steal shoes from someone as long as they’re dead.
@IGotsSmarts
It was the Busta Rhymes, it was the Worsta Rhymes.
@roxiqt
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
@OMGSoOverIt
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and thatโs a shame.
@nachdermas
99% of all online behavior is explained by the fact that everyone is insanely lonely and horny. the remaining 1% is advertising
@JohnnyBerchtold
How actors in movies eat their food
@KeetPotato
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
@praisecheese
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.