I’ve noticed a decline in cashier’s asking “Find everything you need?”
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
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I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
moses: 9 commandments, goddamn that’s a lot of rules
god: OH NO YOU DIDN’T
So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.