PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
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Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
The Wizard of Oz is my favorite children’s book that teaches us that it’s ok to steal shoes from someone as long as they’re dead.
It was the Busta Rhymes, it was the Worsta Rhymes.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
99% of all online behavior is explained by the fact that everyone is insanely lonely and horny. the remaining 1% is advertising
How actors in movies eat their food
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*