Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
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It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.