@cydbeer
I’ve noticed a decline in cashier’s asking “Find everything you need?”
@jordan_stratton
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
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@cydbeer
@ohmygrapeness
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
@IndecisiveJones
moses: 9 commandments, goddamn that’s a lot of rules
god: OH NO YOU DIDN’T
@Dutch_50
So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.
@steeve_again
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
@ZanyJaney11
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
@simoncholland
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
@smoney12
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
@MNateShyamalan
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
@aparnapkin
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.