If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
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if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I can also cook 😂
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.