Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
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In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I have a new favorite meme page
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.