Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

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Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box


What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.


Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.


For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”


Judge: order in the court, ORDER IN THE COURT

Me on the witness stand:*lips pressed against the mic* 2 hot dogs and a milkshake, your honor


Dear toy companies stop telling me your product will provide hours of family fun it will provide two minutes of interest followed by ten tantrums and exclamations of THIS IS BORING


The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information


At least dogs look at you when you’re talking with them as if to say, hell yeah I’d talk to you, but I’m a dog.