@sarah1mc

Note to self:

Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.

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@ThugRaccoons

Doctor: You should really try and watch what you eat

Me: *eyeing a delicious cow out the window* Way ahead of you, doc

@pajaritosimpson

FamDuel, an app that lets you bet on which family member gets knocked out at the reunion first

@SaraESpivey

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

@andlikelaura

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

@wildethingy

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

@Tommytoughstuff

*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.

@FeelingEuphoric

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

@adamlucidi

Christmas is becoming like that creepy friend that shows up to the party too early. The party starts at 7:00, why are you here at 4:30!?!!

@PyJamieParty

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”