Note to self:

Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.

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Doctor: You should really try and watch what you eat

Me: *eyeing a delicious cow out the window* Way ahead of you, doc


FamDuel, an app that lets you bet on which family member gets knocked out at the reunion first


I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.


me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*


I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.


*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.


[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo


Christmas is becoming like that creepy friend that shows up to the party too early. The party starts at 7:00, why are you here at 4:30!?!!


Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”