scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
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9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
My guardian angel deserves a raise
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.