Doctor: You should really try and watch what you eat
Me: *eyeing a delicious cow out the window* Way ahead of you, doc
Note to self:
Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.
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FamDuel, an app that lets you bet on which family member gets knocked out at the reunion first
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Little Mermaid: I want to be where the people are
Me: trust me u dont
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Christmas is becoming like that creepy friend that shows up to the party too early. The party starts at 7:00, why are you here at 4:30!?!!
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”