@sarah1mc

Note to self:

Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.

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@undeadmolly

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

@HatfieldAnne

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

@Thedudish

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

@chrisdowning

That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.

@BritXNic

Who needs Karate lessons when you can just have a bee near your head?

@jellybnbonanza

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

@JLazySAngus

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

@PhriendlyCody

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

@cravin4

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”

Now what do I do?