My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Note to self:
Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.
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Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Who needs Karate lessons when you can just have a bee near your head?
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
Now what do I do?