Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
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[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
my name if I was in the mob
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’