Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
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feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it鈥檚 like i鈥檓 eating human ears but they鈥檙e tasty
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
There鈥檚 a serious limit in how much one can take
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
My child who doesn鈥檛 like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn鈥檛 do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Money is the root of all wealth
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 馃槄
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I鈥檒l help you. I鈥檒l be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
i guess his teacher was really pissed
What do you mean I didn鈥檛 win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else