Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
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If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
The pasta is now
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can