Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
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Whenever I feel like I’m a weirdo, I remember they put little panties on peaches in Japan & I don’t feel so bad
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
“That damn Lassie said Timmy fell down a ruffruffruff”
“Relax, honey. I’m sure she means well”
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Someone’s only cute till they leave one of your texts on read.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”