Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
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“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.