@TheBeerGuy73

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

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@DBMaxP

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

@NotUrGumar

Whenever I feel like I’m a weirdo, I remember they put little panties on peaches in Japan & I don’t feel so bad

@truegritrumble

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

@dave_cactus

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

@Sickayduh

“That damn Lassie said Timmy fell down a ruffruffruff”

“Relax, honey. I’m sure she means well”

@karanbirtinna

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

@goonxiety

Someone’s only cute till they leave one of your texts on read.

@noogscorner

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

@garbagecoven

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”