Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
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Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
when dads have a rap battle
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”