Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
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Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”