Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
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Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?