Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
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(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I am never leaving this website
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.