6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
You Might Also Like
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.