A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
You Might Also Like
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.