Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
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Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world