@joeljeffrey

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

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@Parentpains

I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car.

@ConanOBrien

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

@sirchutney

Just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome.

I really didn’t like the first couple of chapters, but by the end I loved it.

@jedfudally

someone at work asked who pablo escobar was so i told her he used to work here

@Probgoblin

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

@continentlbkfst

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

@DaddyJew

7: what do you want for your birthday?

Me: idk a new car

7: ok *walks away*

[ 2 min later ]

7: what do you want that’s under $6.42?

@elunatyk

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

@sixfootcandy

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”