I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
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I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome.
I really didn’t like the first couple of chapters, but by the end I loved it.
someone at work asked who pablo escobar was so i told her he used to work here
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
7: what do you want for your birthday?
Me: idk a new car
7: ok *walks away*
[ 2 min later ]
7: what do you want that’s under $6.42?
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”