Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
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The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Anyone really
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.