Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

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Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.


I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.


I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.


Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer


Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.


[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death


Just accidentally messaged my husband “love you sexy beats” instead of “sexy beast” and now he thinks he’s some sort of DJ.


DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage


Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]


Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth