@TheWoodenslurpy

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

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@filmbizpro

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

@Cheeseboy22

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

@Darlainky

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

@4ScoreN20Bowls

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

@merican_ninjy

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

@TragicAllyHere

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

@bourgeoisalien

Just accidentally messaged my husband “love you sexy beats” instead of “sexy beast” and now he thinks he’s some sort of DJ.

@roxiqt

DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage

@iinkedZombie

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

@coolauntV

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth