Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

*Seductively hides in the woods

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.