Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
You Might Also Like
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.