Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
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shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
I found your tweet-up…
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.