Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
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Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now