We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
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Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
my mom making me talk to relatives
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under