Stomach: I’m hungry.
Brain: Chill out, dude, she’s in a meeting.
Stomach: I WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE A WHALE’S MATING CALL.
Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.
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Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
Me: Not today Satan.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
“Don’t tell me how to raise my cat!,” I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who’s chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat’s mouth
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
You can use your cat as a towel. There’s no specific laws against it.
There’s probably one fireman in every house who likes to work the pole in front of the other guys “as a joke.”
My job blocked the Favstar website and I’m not sure if I should quit or take hostages.
Haha! Jk. I’m totally taking hostages.