@bourgeoisalien

Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.

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@TylerComeOn

Stomach: I’m hungry.

Brain: Chill out, dude, she’s in a meeting.

Stomach: I WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE A WHALE’S MATING CALL.

@emceekayvee

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

@pro_worrier_

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

@jellybnbonanza

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

@Mr_Kapowski

“Don’t tell me how to raise my cat!,” I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who’s chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat’s mouth

@jazmasta

You can use your cat as a towel. There’s no specific laws against it.

@michaelianblack

There’s probably one fireman in every house who likes to work the pole in front of the other guys “as a joke.”

@shkeeber

My job blocked the Favstar website and I’m not sure if I should quit or take hostages.

Haha! Jk. I’m totally taking hostages.