Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
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Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I took my turtle for a walk. It’s been six months and we are finally at the end of my driveway.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Husband: What are you watching?
Me: *names any show* wanna watch?
Husband: Ugh, no thanks.
*plot twist on show*
Husband from other room: OMG WHAT?!?
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms