@girlontapas

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

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@Brentweets

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

@LlamaInaTux

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

@mattZillaaaa

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

@Bob_Janke

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

@SteveKoehler22

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

@drinksmcgee

Me, a Canadian: The metric system is easy. 100mm = 1cm. 100cm = 1m. Super easy.

You, an American: The imperial system is easy. 1 Flapjangle = 7.2 Flogboggles. 29 Flogboggles = 3.97 Dingmarkles. Super easy.

@rainerfm

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

@JessObsess

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.