Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

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Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.


I took my turtle for a walk. It’s been six months and we are finally at the end of my driveway.


My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”


[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”


[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”


Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.


Husband: What are you watching?

Me: *names any show* wanna watch?

Husband: Ugh, no thanks.

*plot twist on show*

Husband from other room: OMG WHAT?!?


If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms