When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
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What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
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It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Livid.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”