Nothing in the history of the English language has backfired more than the phrase “calm down.”

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Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences


Coworker: I couldn’t sleep. Just thinking all night

Me: Maybe try doing some of that here in the office during the day


I swear it’s like nobody who says ‘bite me’ actually means it anymore.


I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!


WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?


You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking


My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.


Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.


MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.