Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

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My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.


I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes


“All lower case?” -your mom getting an email address


“You’re gonna hate yourself in the morning if you stay up late”

jokes on you im gonna hate myself in the morning no matter what


By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.


thinking about when my mom and I saw LOTR in theaters and at one point she turned to me and whispered “this could never happen”


I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.