@simoncholland

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

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@StorybookBlonde

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

@FriedGoat

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

@sweet_toof

“All lower case?” -your mom getting an email address

@EvansPosts

“You’re gonna hate yourself in the morning if you stay up late”

jokes on you im gonna hate myself in the morning no matter what

@FatherWithTwins

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

@PamNotAnderson

thinking about when my mom and I saw LOTR in theaters and at one point she turned to me and whispered “this could never happen”

@squirrel74wkgn

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.